Hoping for Health

I have been so out of the loop that I have rarely put my hands to the keyboard other than to download the music for Fridays - even the weeks I was too sick to go and play.

I must face the task of what I hope is the last specialist on the road to recovery from crazy headaches that have held me captive for years and the more I reach out to become part of something wonderful at Real Life the harder those headaches - and side effects of testing and medicine - fight against my strength. I hate missing even ONE week because it is true joy to sing and play - particularly with my group - we don't have to be perfect but we give our all, and considering we only get about an hour and a half to practice together before service we manage to do okay. A huge refreshing change from my previous leading/singing...It's also nice I'm not the leader. Did NOT ever think I would say that, but it's free and fun to receive your mission and just do it! I have missed 4 times since January and it's excruciating! I miss it and I miss "the guys" at their instruments and the fun we have running parts...we are all there for sheer fun of getting to "serve" at church doing something we all love to do...one of us brings it up regularly how cool it is to spread our faith and love through the medium of music and worship...and I have been unreliable. Although not one person on the worship team will look down on me I have such remorse. I could not have played if they strapped me to the stool and my hands to the keys, but the "preacher's kid" in me doesn't let go easily. Service at all costs in the churches my father was assigned. This is MY church, not my father's...
Dare I trust God to give me some peace and make it okay?

So, as I ponder many thoughts, symptoms, side effects, and the weight of my weakness on my family, I am faced with the reality that I have tried to be a good soldier, compliant patient- but I'm going to have to sacrifice our family's health spending money to see yet another specialist -a headache specialist in the neurological field- that's a long title - What if the good Doctor isn't all that "special" ?

I'm just growing weary. I know I have to fight to get well and I have to "be my own advocate" but Grr! I am exhausted. My family is too. Where is "Jesus with skin on" for this? I would like to be the lamb he leaves the group for to come and find me in this rocky place to carry me back to safety!

I realize this is heavy reading. I suppose I want to see in print that I want HEALTH! I've sacrificed my personal freedoms to go for debilitating tests and try debilitating medicine. Some good has come; I do have some information that should shed light or at least provide a lead on how to treat me long term.

Sanity...over-rated or just Reality knocking?

Last night, I listened to a short lesson on Sanity - the Biblical standard - it included the practical adage of "doing the same thing the same way expecting a different result" - and I am so incredibly guilty of that! It's not surprising that I find myself pondering lots of the things said today...
I have allowed myself to become hidden away and be a hermit, when I am in fact, all-it be an independent one, a social person who really does need person-to-person interaction on a regular basis. This does not include homework with my children. I love them, however, it is my job to raise them, not discuss the meaning of life.

I have expected to have things come to me on a silver platter because growing up moving from place to place, we were introduced to a new church, the members dropped in a few at a time to say hello, bring a casserole, and scope out the new family. So, literally the "new" environment came to me. We usually lived right beside the church, so I suppose you can see where I'm headed... I didn't exactly have to put much effort into my new surroundings aside from where to hang the two bookshelves that I moved from house to house and determining how to best tolerate the school system.
After getting married, it wasn't terribly difficult when it was time to move with my husband to his home town, because everyone knew my husband. I was accepted by default. Then Florida - WOW. People were from everywhere, cultures mixed - or didn't - and it was really confusing for the first time - I also began the role reversal with my parents - without my big brother nearby who understood all the quirks of the family and was only an hour away. It was time to grow up and I didn't.
Now I have to decide to keep doing things the same way expecting miracles to spring up or step outside my selfish nature and accept the challenge of growing up. *sigh* I suppose we all come to these point many times at different points in our lives. I know I have before, it just seems harder this time...I wonder if I thought that last time? Bet ya I did! Well, raise your glass to giving it a shot!

Headaches, Hang-ups, and Hope...

At the end of a day of a very *blah* headache day for my middle child and for me, I got a phone call from a new friend.

I skipped answering the cell phone, since I don't get names to go along with the number...besides, who called that I actually was interested in talking to without already being saved in my phone? Well, when the land line rang, I realized it wasn't a wrong number - only a select few are privileged enough for that number :-) I absolutely HATE sales calls, and I've been fairly successful this past year; but I digress.

My phone call was to invite me to tag along getting together with a couple other women from church - something I want to do, but don't initiate - I would say it's my cluttered living area that makes me that way, but it isn't. I usually just don't have the energy to follow through with preparation and clean-up, so I avoid it. I'm not sure how many things I ignored today because of my headache and trying to help my son feel better - bless his heart. No child should hurt.

So my challenge is to force myself to get the kids off, then get my act and a Bible together before noon.

At the end of my call, I was questioned about the loss of my keyboard - I'm getting something to practice on! I don't know any special specs except that I need a stand and a/c adapter.

I asked for God to drop a keyboard in my lap so I could practice and get more comfortable so I don't drive myself and fellow band members nuts - just writing this makes me want to tell myself to get a grip already! One of the other players said "You say that every week" - the flipping out part - and it really hit hard! I knew I was always anxious about doing a good job, but I had no idea how much it showed - I felt awful! I don't want that at all - I want to HELP and be a relief, not a burden...so hopefully having some kind of tool on hand will allow my fingers do the walking - to the right notes and chords to make music for my God. My friend will never know what she's doing for me and for everyone I play with and for - just for being willing to share what she doesn't use - serendipitous is the word that comes to mind...so Thank You - you know who you are!

Household Harmony

I'm a worship gal - I can sing with people, provide some cool harmonies, lead from time to time, and *tickle the ivories* with reasonable accuracy...I can eat, sleep, and breathe music and worship - almost to a literal point! I am thankful I know where my little spot is in the whole workings of the "churched" lifestyle, but how is that helping anyone else? Is it reaching the right people?

If I'm jamming to my set for the week on the MP3 player I swiped from my son, I can zoom around the house like a nut, making stops as I pass my music to make notes on what sounds or measure counts are important. With all that enjoyment, it makes me wonder about my family - is that same rush what my husband gets out of defeating someone at chess or my kids get from being "guitar hero" champs? What's their "fix"?

Is it healthy?

Am I caring for them the same way I care about my music?

I guess that's why I finally joined a bible study to force a wake up call- to figure out how to be more than ordinary - I want memorable. I want my family to recall lots of times that doing ordinary things were better because Leif and I were there with them. I want them to leave home confident in who they are, and comfortable to come back to visit without dread...
I want them to recall the regular routine as something more special than ordinary because they know they were and are loved. I want them to have something of their own that fills the space in them that music does for me and for God to make it happen - not just random chance.

Since I want more, I have to set an example of making more out of every day...and that's not an area of strength for me, thus the year commitment to change that.
Here goes bite #1 on my proverbial elephant!

Steps of Faith

After blogging about my Dad's birthday, I got my weekly email for the Friday night group I attend and play keyboard in the band. There's always a short message from the Worship Leader, and as usual, his timing is perfect. In a few words, it was a request that anyone with a need for prayer to respond to the email so that we could pray ahead of service time. This is not out of the ordinary; we pray every week between practice and service, but once in a while we know there needs to be some extra effort due to the ups and down of everyday life.
At this point I began to debate sending a reply. I needed support for going to see Daddy, and I knew my husband wouldn't be available. The grief is so very heavy...did I dare let the group in on this? Could I trust them to support me and not brush the request under the rug - which in this case would be to say "everything will be fine, just trust God" - but I chose to reply. I explained Daddy's lack of memory of my Mother in the three short years since her death; despite a marriage of over 30 years. I also confessed that I tried with great effort to stick my head in the sand, but I knew that visiting was something that needed to happen for my Dad's happiness, not mine.

I followed up with a phone call requesting an email "blast" to all those in the music/tech team. Not only did my note go to the team, but also the leadership - I wasn't expecting this - the leaders have plenty to do without babysitting the keyboard player - or so I thought. I wrote back the next afternoon to the whole group with a short email saying things went well and the kids went with me.
It was blissfully low-key. I received a few replies-a couple saying they were glad things went smoothly and a couple thanking me for sharing - that threw me off - they were glad I asked for something on short notice? New territory for sure!


Tonight, as we all arrived, several people asked how things went.
It seems surreal, but it happened. Could it be that real people with real concerns receive real support?

Past experience has only said "No" so I'm a bit sceptical.
This week went a step in the right direction. It's okay to ask for help when you are in a situation that's over your head. It's our weakness, God's strength is made known. Then, the next time something similar comes around, find your balance between the wisdom you gained and get some help with the rest. God loves to help us -sometimes working through another one of his "peeps".

Daddy's Birthday

Well, my Dad will be EIGHTY-TWO in a few short hours.

Thursday is my Daddy's 82nd birthday - going to celebrate with him will be bittersweet as he is having increasing difficulty remembering my mother- even though they were married over 30 years - he asked me her name on Father's Day...so visits more than a few minutes are increasingly difficult for me to withstand.

He is a retired minister, his salvation is secure, and he's trapped from two strokes in a slowly dying body. He can talk and move from bed to electric wheelchair...not a fulfilling life for him. I sometimes wish God would allow him to come home as much as it would hurt to see him go - he wouldn't be sad anymore. I am fighting within myself between loving the man who used to be my Daddy and managing the affairs for the body named Robert Garrett. I am ill-equipped for this kind of grief - it is actually greater than that of losing my mother.

He took care of me, he provided for me, he loved me, and he quit drinking ANY alcohol after my sister moved home with a drinking problem - he was in his 70s - and because his adult daughter needed an alcohol-free place - he quit, he sacrificed his comfort for my sister. He taught me worry is a sin, not to worry and "on the morrow" things would look differently than in the present moment. He has said in lucid times that he's ready anytime the Lord wants to take him and not to be sad because I know his destination. For these reasons, it feels extremely unfair that he doesn't have the ability to enjoy his "golden years". My kids miss him being able to get around and play with them.

In addition, two of my children are sick - one w/ a low-grade fever and I may not be able to go see him at all - we received a letter from his facility that if we are sick or family member is sick, please postpone your visit...but it's his birthday!
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, right?

Take a Moment...

We've all heard it, we've all said it - Stop and smell the roses...just don't stay there all day! I started a great group at church tonight - and at the risk of sounding "too religious" I'm going to blog about it anyway!

I enjoy going to church. It's a choice I make now, instead of being forced every time the doors are open because the preacher is your dad! Some people are turned off for life, and I was for a few years. Thankfully my darling hubby likes it when we're in his "style" and we enjoy it.

Yep, we're dragging the kids! Funny enough, we don't have to drag them. The programs are interesting enough that they look forward to it as well. I'm happy about this. Every mom wants a family thing, and this is mine.

We're all in Scouting of some kind, but now that the boys are "of age" for Troop level, Grace can't tag along anymore, so thankfully she moved up into a more adventurous level this year as well, so her activities will be more in depth - it's still separate. Her dad has offered to take part with her and I help a little here and there with the boys, but it's not ALL of us-same place same time. At church, the kids have classes for their ages, but sometimes they opt to join us in the adult service because the preacher's funny and tells great stories.

Say what you please, I count this as a biggie for my family. We certainly haven't "arrived" to any special level - but we at least are showing some potential to treat one another a bit better than now. I do not like the sarcasm level in my house. They get enough of that at school. We all need a shove in the love direction...and most of the time it's easier to learn from someone to whom you are not related - ironic, but very true.

So, I'm taking a moment to be glad that for this moment, my family is in one building all heading in the same direction for a minimum of an hour a week. I can live with that for now. I spend some extra time enjoying a bible study, but you grow a family like you eat an elephant - one bite at a time =D