Hoping for Health

I have been so out of the loop that I have rarely put my hands to the keyboard other than to download the music for Fridays - even the weeks I was too sick to go and play.

I must face the task of what I hope is the last specialist on the road to recovery from crazy headaches that have held me captive for years and the more I reach out to become part of something wonderful at Real Life the harder those headaches - and side effects of testing and medicine - fight against my strength. I hate missing even ONE week because it is true joy to sing and play - particularly with my group - we don't have to be perfect but we give our all, and considering we only get about an hour and a half to practice together before service we manage to do okay. A huge refreshing change from my previous leading/singing...It's also nice I'm not the leader. Did NOT ever think I would say that, but it's free and fun to receive your mission and just do it! I have missed 4 times since January and it's excruciating! I miss it and I miss "the guys" at their instruments and the fun we have running parts...we are all there for sheer fun of getting to "serve" at church doing something we all love to do...one of us brings it up regularly how cool it is to spread our faith and love through the medium of music and worship...and I have been unreliable. Although not one person on the worship team will look down on me I have such remorse. I could not have played if they strapped me to the stool and my hands to the keys, but the "preacher's kid" in me doesn't let go easily. Service at all costs in the churches my father was assigned. This is MY church, not my father's...
Dare I trust God to give me some peace and make it okay?

So, as I ponder many thoughts, symptoms, side effects, and the weight of my weakness on my family, I am faced with the reality that I have tried to be a good soldier, compliant patient- but I'm going to have to sacrifice our family's health spending money to see yet another specialist -a headache specialist in the neurological field- that's a long title - What if the good Doctor isn't all that "special" ?

I'm just growing weary. I know I have to fight to get well and I have to "be my own advocate" but Grr! I am exhausted. My family is too. Where is "Jesus with skin on" for this? I would like to be the lamb he leaves the group for to come and find me in this rocky place to carry me back to safety!

I realize this is heavy reading. I suppose I want to see in print that I want HEALTH! I've sacrificed my personal freedoms to go for debilitating tests and try debilitating medicine. Some good has come; I do have some information that should shed light or at least provide a lead on how to treat me long term.